Sighs.

I don't know what to think anymore...It hurts so much that I don't want to anymore.
I'm tired of holding on but there's no way of letting go is there...It's too late...I've fallen into a very deep hole and there's just no way of getting out.
Sometimes I ask myself why are you still waiting for something that you know will never happen...Why? Someone please tell me why.

I just find it so hard to act as if it's not bothering me when it obviously does.
I think about it every single day.
You're always the first/last thing on my mind...I can't do anything about which means you're probably meant to be there?
That doesn't bother me but it's just knowing that my dreams and reality are two completely different stories...
It's kinda scary how you're always in my dreams...I don't think there's anyone out there who appeared in my dreams as many times as you have! Why though? Why? What does this all mean?
Thankfully, they're good dreams...but you'll never understand how disappointed I am when I wake up...
Only if dreams came true...:(

It's been a year and I still can't get over it. Actually, it's been more than a year. I bet you don't even have a clue what's going on in my mind seeing as your barely talk to me anymore. I'm lucky to get a hi these days...which I don't even get...
However, I was soooooooooooooooo surprised when I did get a reply of you last Sunday. It absolutely made my day! I remember waking up and I looked at my phone and I saw a message saying "thanks." I looked at the sender's name and I was like WHAT THE...?! My eyes nearly popped out of my head! Haha! I was soooooooooooo happy. It was only one word but it meant the world to me! :) I sent that text at like 4 o'clock in the morning, just before I went to sleep and I was telling myself..."He's not going to text you back." However, I thought to myself, at least he'll feel as if there's someone out there for him...:') And someone who cares...but it's not as if he would even care if he knew that I cared seeing as he already belongs to someone else and she plays a MASSIVE role in his life. :') Never mind...I guess I was late...and maybe our relationship has told us things were just never meant to be between the two of us...Even though I know there'll never be a you and me, I just want to keep on trying...I just want you to know that I do care...and I always have. :') So please remember, no matter whatever happens, I'll be here for you. :) I promise.
*Sighs*

I remember how different things were back then...Things were just soooo...different. :/ Only if I had a time machine which could take me back to those times when we'd laugh at like anything and enjoy each other's company...Only if...
I never thought that anyone would ever mean this much to me. I usually get over these things relatively quick...but this time...things have got too deep. What have I let myself in for? *sighs*
Sometimes I ask myself is it my fault or is it his? I try not to blame him for anything as I could have put a stop to everything and avoid the whole situation by letting the feelings fade away...but I didn't...and everything has finally come back to haunt me.
No one ever knew this but I used to have a crush on you when I was much younger...:P But I kept that a biggggg secret...like a very big secret. Haha. However things weren't as bad back then as I was still young/naive and never really paid much attention to that kind of stuff...Not in a million years would I have thought that the feelings would come back...maybe it wasn't the right thing to go back...
I realised that you really cared about her but then you also made me feel as if I actually meant something to someone...that feeling was just...priceless. :') I would like to thank you for leaving me with all them beautiful memories. These are what keep me going...so thank you...you made me feel...special...and every girl would like to feel that every single day...
It's just a shame that you'll never make me feel that way ever again...or maybe you will...Who knows? We can't predict the future after all.
Even though your coldness kills me, I still want to try and bring the old you back...the person who used to laugh with me...the person who I could tell anything to...the person who I trusted everything with...the person who could make me smile...the person who would constantly tell me that you missed me (maybe you were just trying to be nice/flirting-LOL)...the person who would always ask me if I was okay...the person who would comfort me whenever I cried...the person who held me in their arms...the person who gave me a sense of security...the person who made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world...the person who actually cared about me...the list could go on forever so I think I'll stop there for now...as I know that this will not be my last blog post, about you, so yeah...
I'm just waiting for that person to come back. I've tried and tried but I feel as if I'm getting nowhere. :( Hopefully, there'll be a day when you'll realise that there was a girl out there who was waiting for you all that time...a girl who would have done "anything" for you...a girl who would fight for you...But for now...I just can't see it happening...

x